Choosing to get divorced may not be ideal

Sally and Mark shared their lives for 22 years; they had 2 healthy children now in their teens, good jobs and a perfect home. One day it all ended in the office of a divorce lawyer, Mark had an affair with his 21 year old receptionist. Does this sound familiar?

When discussing divorce there are many angles, reasons and motives to consider. There are personal issues, stigma, beliefs, and human behaviour amongst others. But how does it happen. How can one say ‘my marriage failed’? It’s not an exam, it’s life. There are reasons that a marriage ‘didn’t work’ it doesn’t just unfold and suddenly come to a grinding halt. There is always a build up before taling the step of visiting a divorce lawyer: poor communication, repeating the same pattern that your parents showed in their marriage while you were growing up, expectations and lack of interest in trying to please your partner.

Times have changed, the role for men has somewhat remained the same but the role for women has become diverse. There is no need for women to only stay at home, look after their children and cook for their husbands. Nowadays women have kids and they go to work. As if being a parent isn’t time consuming enough, one still has to cope with work pressure and deadlines. So how does having a good relationship with your spouse and having children suddenly lose meaning and end in the divorce courts? According to various psychologists, it often is the reason of not spending enough quality time together as a couple. Having what they call ‘date night’, this is the process by which you and your partner enjoy an evening out, just the 2 of you. Go out to Dinner, watch a movie and spend intimate time together, try to do so once a week. Something that you did before you had children.

Another reason is that children take up the space between couples. All of a sudden they are in between and the attention is on raising and setting examples for your kids. The fear of not being a good parent lingers in the mind of all responsible parents. One takes this role seriously, as moulding and shaping minds and raising children to become leaders of their own lives is challenging. It really is a job that requires sacrifice and effort. Ironically, that is exactly what is required to keep a marriage together. One has to work at it; one has to think beyond one’s own needs. But honestly looking at the statistics 45-50% of first marriages end in divorce. While this may have divorce lawyers rubbing their hands together, the effects on everyone in the family need to be carefully considered before heading for a divorce lawyer. Source of this Divorce Statistic: Jennifer Baker, Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, Springfield, America. It is seldom that parents stay together for the sake of the children, often one partner decides that not having the spouse around would be more beneficial. Perhaps their lack of respect and responsibility to their family means that they are better off on their own.

Another trend is that couples remain married for 23+ years. Their children are grown up and they move out of their parent’s home. All of a sudden the married couple face each other and they realise they have nothing in common. It’s almost as if they have lived side by side but the distraction of the children left them blinded to each other. It takes one partner to say that they do not have anything in common and they do not want to be with this perfect stranger anymore. The relationship ends in divorce.

So what is this saying, it’s simple, a marriage requires work, good communication and effort to stay together. One should never lose the spark. But it is challenging especially when one has children. Divorce has become a solution to people who choose not to work on their marriage. You were once a blissfully happy couple that are now battling it out in divorce court, step back, assess the situation and ask yourself what went wrong, more often than not a little effort can save a lot of money and heartache to all concerned. Talk to your spouse before talking to a divorce lawyer. By Adriana Levi